My Struggle with Depression......

I have felt a strong desire to type this blog for a long time.  Such a strong desire, that today- I had to do it.  I had to stop what I was doing and type this words.  Once I started typing its like I couldn't type fast enough.  Its almost like God was saying "You need to say these words.  You need to get this out there so it can help someone else"  Maybe it will... or maybe it wont.  But I feel led to tell this story.  My story.  A story that made me feel like a terrible person for a long time.  And now... I feel like its a story that I have to tell... something I lived through to be encouraging to someone else.  You might read these words and think "That's it?  That's nothing to feel terrible about"  But unless its something you struggle with or have struggled with- you truly wouldn't understand.  This story is about my beautiful baby girl... and the journey of us finding each other.  As I type, she is sitting next to me, painting a dog treat box hot pink.  She loves to paint and she loves pink!  Shes energetic, artsy, sassy, girly, creative, independent and well... a lot like me!  So much like me it's sometimes scary.

My story begins in May 2002.  I was marrying my love and we were looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together.  We've always had a pretty easy relationship.  I mean sure... we have our disagreements....and times we had to work a little harder than others, but when it comes down to it he's the one for me.  It was very clear to me when we were dating that he was the one for me... It's almost if God had come down, stood in front of me and said "This is the one I created you for"  I was truly that certain.  We got married and often talked about starting a family and when we wanted that to happen.  I had no desire to become a mom for several years.  I just wanted to enjoy being together and growing together.  What I did desire was being a great mom, living in a house with a yard, staying at home with my kids and giving them he best life I possibly could.  

Right after our 6th wedding anniversary (May 2008) we decided to start a family of our own. It was my dream to have a baby in March or April of 2009.  A Spring baby!  How perfect!   August 2008 came and I started suspecting I was pregnant.. and that's when everything changed.  I was so emotional over the fact that I was going to be a mom.  I was terrified, regretting the fact that I ever wanted to have a baby.  I was a mess in so many ways.  And confused.  As everyone else was around me.  I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my mind, let alone explain it to anyone else.  I had no one around me that had been through this.  No one around me explaining this was a bad case of pregnancy hormones.  In fact I felt totally alone.  I felt awful.  Who tried to get pregnant then regrets it when they do?  I felt like a dark cloud was hanging over me all the time.  Not to mention I was exhausted and sick (and I do mean SICK) every second of every day for 4 months.  Then... the second trimester came around.. and a switch flipped!  THAT should have been my first clue.  AT 16 weeks pregnant I fell madly in love with this little person inside me.  I often daydreamed about what the baby would be.. who would he or she look like?  What would they like to do? 

The day our 20 week ultrasound came along we were so excited.  We both took the day of work, we found out we were having a healthy baby girl!  How exciting!  We went out to lunch to celebrate, we went and registered together looking at and drooling over all of this cute pink stuff!  In the third trimester we decorated the nursery together and when we were done we stood in the doorway of her room just starring at it.  Talking about how cute it looked.. and all the pink.. and how perfect life would be with her in our lives. All the junk from the beginning of my pregnancy melted away.  Life was amazing and we were incredibly blessed.  

The day I was scheduled to be induced came!  We had everything... the bags, the baby book, cute little headbands and bows packed, tiny pink outfits and socks.. I think little Miss Kennedy had more outfits at the hospital than I did!  I couldn't wait to hold my baby. Our baby.

I was induced and 5 short hours later (yes, most people hate me) I was holding the most beautiful baby girl I had ever laid eyes on!  She was perfect... and plump!  Weighing in at 8 pounds, 3 ounces.  She was amazing.. and I was in love with not one, but 2 people now!  We left the hospital and we were on our way to live a great life!  Until a couple days after we got home....

I couldn't connect the dots, or explain it but that dark cloud was back.  Following me everywhere.  "I'm the worst mother in the world" I would tell myself.  How could I not be over the moon happy?  I had an amazing husband, (not kidding.. I did not change her diaper once until she was over a week old) he was there, every second.. helping me with every diaper change, every feeding... everything)  I did not feel connected to her at all.  I regretting having a baby.  I hated myself.  I thought she would be better off with another family.  I never ever thought of hurting her.. but inside I felt as though I wasn't worthy.  Friends would come over and while they were holding her I would go the bathroom, sit on the floor and cry my eyes out.  Again, I felt exhausted, sick (of myself) emotional.... and like I was a terrible mother.  

My memories of my first month as a new mom are memories of guilt... and tears.  I cried... a lot!  By the time Kennedy was 5 weeks old, the depression had passed and I was in love with this little, smiling, miracle!  I cant even talk (or type) about those moments without tearing up.  I often tuck her in at night and thank God (out loud so she can hear) how thankful I am for her.  I can almost feel God smiling down saying "I know!"  He knew exactly what he was doing... she was His plan before she was mine!  

I love this little girl more than life itself...  and it you know her, you can't help but love her too.  She is funny, so smart and beautiful.  She is my blonde ray of sunshine.  And I am so glad we found each other!  

I wanted to tell my story in hopes of someone else needing to read these words.  Someone that is going through this or will.  If there is someone out there that felt like I did I pray God leads them to these words.. and I pray they contact me so I can pray with them.  I wasn't a terrible person... and you aren't either.  Depression is real.. and its awful.  But with God you will overcome it!  Thank you Lord for not leaving me!

... and God said "When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you..."

Back to Blogging!

It has been entirely too long since I have blogged.  My last blog was July 2011- I was 8 months pregnant and had a 2 year old.  Life was busy- but not nearly as busy as what life has become since then!  I've been wanting to get back to blogging... not because I think what I have to say is just that important... but my sanity is!  I am a work from home mom (Thank you Jesus for that opportunity)  But those are 2 jobs that don't exactly fill a need that I have- Fellowship and Community with Friends.  I am a social person.  I love to share life with other people.  Being a full time mom can be a lonely job.  I love being a mom, would not change it for the world!  But- I have a limit as to how many times I will play hide n go seek, I spy or sing nursery rimes!  Working from home (although FABULOUS!)  Is hard for someone like me that thrives on face to face contact with the outside world! Being a mom of 2 and working has definitely thrown my little world for a loop!  I am a perfectionist, a neat freak and a planner... but there have been many, many, many days I have had to let all of that go for the sake of sanity (mine and my families).

I always feel some sort of strange relief when someone says "I don't know how you do all that you do"  It makes me feel as though, I'm not making it up.  This is hard! Life is crazy and busy, but it is fun!  And I love being able to accomplish goals with my husband and not only provide for our kids, But provide in a way I only dreamed of before!  I love giving them a real childhood!  One that is fun, magical and for them worry free.  This is their time to be care free- and stop to smell the flowers on the side of the sidewalk.  And because of them, I am a better person, and I also stop to smell the flowers  that I would have otherwise stopped over before.  Being a mom of 2 has been a whirlwind.  But it's been one of the biggest blessings I have been given.  I'm so thankful that God looked at the earth and noticed me.  And He knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it.  So at the age of 19 I married my husband.. at 26 I had my daughter and at 28 I had my son.  He knew my heart, knew strengths and weaknesses and knew His plan.  And He knew what he was doing.  Thankful and blessed- beyond measure.

I'm glad to be back!
Elizabeth

Being a Mama...

When I was a little girl, I often would daydream about having a family someday.  Who my husband would be, how many kids we would have, if they would be boys, girls, or both... what we would name them.  I think all little girls do this, it's just a part of being a girl and having that maternal instinct!  I often would think of all the things I wanted to do as a family.  Go to church, go for picnics, bike rides together and the vacations we would take as a family. 

When Joe and I got married I knew it would be a while before I was ready to welcome our fist little one into our family.  I was, after all, only 19 years old!  I wanted to be able to focus on our relationship, and building a strong family foundation before we began the crazy journey of parenthood.  Before I was a mom, life was all about us!  What we wanted to buy, where we wanted to go, what we wanted to do.  As time went on, the thought of having kids seemed in the future, but it always seemed like it was the distant future!  I was enjoying life, just "us"!

Joe and I were married for 6 years and 3 months (almost to the day) when we found out we were going to have our first baby!  My initial response was fear.  I was terrified of the unknown.  Would I be a good mom, would he or she be healthy, Would Joe and I still be able to have date nights and spend time together just us, could we afford a baby... could I stay at home.  Hundreds of thoughts bounced back and fourth in my mind, for months.  Eventually I warmed up to the idea of having our own little person, and by the time she was born I was beyond excited to welcome Miss Kennedy Elizabeth into our home!

Becoming a mom for the first time was, as it would be with anyone, a learning experience!  I had a lot to learn- all at once!  The first few weeks she was here took some getting used to.  I struggled with some baby blues, so it wasn't until she was about a month old that I felt that bond with her that everyone else said they felt the first time they held their baby.  Don't get me wrong, I loved her, and thought she was the most beautiful perfect gift from God, but I just didn't feel like she was mine.  (I guess she really isn't mine, she's God's, and he was just gracious enough to let Joe and I borrow her and love her for a while!)

These last 2 years and 3 months with Kennedy have been amazing!  Sometimes I can hardly remember life before her.  She brings so much life, laughter, love and joy into our lives- God knew what he was doing!  (doesn't He always!)  I love being a mama!  And especially love being a mama to a little girl!  I often daydream about things we'll do when she is a little bigger... Go see girly movies together, get pedicures, go shopping...  I pray that God guides us to raise her to love and respect herself as she grows up.  To know that she is very special and I pray that no one ever makes her feel otherwise.

We had been planning on when we would try for our second one for about a year, Last January- as planned, we found out that we were expecting again!  Joe and I were so excited that once again we were going to be blessed with another baby of our very own!  Joe very much wanted and prayed for a boy.. while I so wanted him to have a boy too, for me, another girl would be equally exciting!  In April we found out that we would in fact be welcoming a boy into our family!  Joe was beyond excited and me.. well I was a little nervous at first.  "What am I going to do I do with a boy?!?!"  I often thought.  The thought of having one of each thrilled me.. but after all- all I know is girl stuff! 

So here we are.. about 8 weeks and 2 days (or less) from meeting our little boy!  We are thrilled with the opportunity that God has given us, to parent one of each.  I can't wait to watch both our kids grow up, see their different interests and personalities.  Although I am sure having a boy will be quite different than having a girl, I'm excited to raise a Godly man who will be a great husband and father like his dad!

Our life has sure changed in the last couple of years!  Both Joe and I want the best for our kids, without overly spoiling them.  And now, life isn't all about the two of us, but the five of us (with God being at the head of the family) We base our decisions on what would be best for us.. all of us!  I think about both of my kids and my husband everyday.  I only want what is best for them.. what will make them happy and safe.  They are all my family, that God has trusted in my care.  And I don't take that lightly.  I'm now living the life I always dreamed of... it may not be a perfect life, but it is a very blessed life! 

F.A.M.I.L.Y.

 

Family is a word we are all familiar with.  When someone says the word “family”, I am sure most of us picture the most valued and loved ones in our life.  When I hear the word family, I immediately think of my awesome husband and our beautiful daughter (and our handsome little man who is currently still baking!)

God has blessed me more than I deserve, there is no doubt!  I was a 16 year old high school student the first time I ever saw my husband.  We worked together so running in to each other in the break room or in the back of the store wasn’t unusual.  We worked together for some time and talked a few times before we started dating.  It wasn’t long before I new that he was probably going to be the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  Being, at that time, a 17 year old high school student, that should have terrified me!  It didn’t.  I always felt at peace about that.  I guess I just felt blessed to have met that “one” person so young, and I was so sure of it.  I knew this was the person God had planned for me.  We dated for almost 2 years when we got married.

Our wedding day was amazing!  Our pastor had us write each other a letter a few days before the wedding.  We had to give the letters to our pastor in a sealed envelope, and about 15 minutes before I was to walk down the aisle toward him he gave us our letters from one another.  What a great idea that was!  I still go back and read our letters to each other, what we thought our lives would be like and how excited we both were to be married.  That is one of my most favorite memories about that day! 

Then, life happened.  We had jobs, bought a house, sold a house moved out of state, moved apartments, moved out of state again, worked full time jobs, bought a new house and then finally started planning for the future and a family of our own.  When we moved to Springfield we had been married for almost 5 years.. and what a BUSY 5 years that was!  We were living life and loving it!  We were in Springfield for a couple of years before our daughter was born, the day our lives changed forever!  After 7 years of marriage and 9 years of being together… we finally had our family that we always talked about! 

Since then life has still been busy but in a very, very good way!  My super hard working husband works full time, has been remodeling our house for the last 4 months, goes to school full time and is the best daddy to our daughter!  I am incredibly blessed to work 2 jobs from home that I love, while raising our daughter and running our household.  (Although sometimes I feel like our household runs me!)  We get up early to start our day and stay up late to finish projects.  We are living the life that God has so graciously blessed us with and we are loving it!  We still plan for the future and our family… it’s just now some of the unknowns aren’t such a guess anymore.  Instead of dreaming of when we will have kids, if they will be boys or girls, how many we should have and what will we name then……  we now make plans on when to take our kids to Disney World, family vacations in a pop up camper we hope to buy, and our next house we hope to build.  I pray that God never allows me to take for granted what he has given me.  And what he has given me is a family that makes this game of life a lot more fun to play! 

The Box

Every one always wants to put Christians in a box.  From the outside looking in people have this idea of what a Christian is and the way they should act.  That we should all fit in this tiny little perfect box.  That once we are saved we are transformed into this perfect person with all the answers and no faults. Christians, like anyone else, are humans.  Christians make mistakes.  We were all born the same.  Perfect little babies that have never sinned, never made anyone angry, never messed up.  As we get older we make choices.  God gave us the ability to make choices.  Some choices are good.  These are the ones we talk about to our family and peers.  Other choices are bad.  Ones that we try to cover up or pretend they never happened.  That is the funny thing about choices... good or bad... they are all a part of what shaped us to be who we are. 

I made a choice when I was 19 to follow Jesus.  This wasn't the first time I had asked Jesus into my heart.  I remember reciting that prayer many times through my childhood, but this time was different.  I really meant it.  To me, being a Christian meant that I was embarking on a journey that would lead to an authentic relationship with my creator.  To me it meant that I was forgiven.  That God and I had an "open-door" policy, which I still utilize daily.  Whenever I needed, I could come to him, confess my sins and be forgiven.  I have never felt more unworthy of a more beautiful gift.  However I believe that others have a job description of a Christian and as soon as you don't fulfill all of the duties they rip the label of Christian off and replace it with a hypocrite label.  Being a Christian never means you are perfect.  There was only one prefect person that ever existed, and he was a homeless carpenter that lived over 2000 years ago and was crucified on a cross in front of all his friends and family. 

Why must we put these expectations on each other?  Expectations that none of us can actually live up to?  Or, is it that Christians are to easy on themselves?  Looking at God's open door policy more like a revolving door?  I know I'll never be like Jesus.  He was an amazing person that lived 33 short years and left more of a legacy than I'll leave in 100 long years.  But I do know that I will love God until the day I die.  I will, everyday, do my best to be a good daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend that I can.  I will fail.  I will make mistakes.  I will learn from them, ask for forgiveness, brush myself off and keep going.  I'll never be perfect, but I will always be a Christian.

The Me You Don't See...

I believe in God.  I whole heartedly believe that God created everything.  He is the First and the Last.  The Alpha and Omega.  He created the earth, birds, animals and people.  I believe that God created us all different and unique.  I believe he created us with a vision, a purpose, a plan.  And with our different personalities and gifts that we are to complete different tasks on this earth.  I have yet to figure out what my task is.

The me that you see is a wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece, aunt, sister in law, cousin and friend.  The me that you see is a perfectionist, a home maker, an over-achiever, a sometimes crazy person about things that, to "other people" don't matter as much.  I think that when people look at me, they see things that are true about me, and some that are not. 

The me that you don't see is much more complicated than the me that you see.  I am an over emotional, wreck, if you ask me.  I get my "feelings hurt" over the smallest things.  I care about my friends and family... a lot.  I think about them all the time.  I try my best to nurture every relationship I have one way or another.  I sometimes feel like I put way more into relationships then I get out.  I go crazy if I don't know what "the plan" is, or even crazier if my house is a wreck. (which it usually is, I do have a 17 1/2 month old, after all!)  The me that you don't see worries constantly if I hurt someones feelings, or if I am living up to someone else's expectations.  The me that you don't see is insecure, second guesses herself.  The me you don't see thinks about her day after everyone goes to bed "did I waste time somewhere", "did I talk about Jesus enough with Kennedy", "am I doing everything I can to raise her to love God as her father and I do", "Is my husband happy". 

I sometimes wonder when God made me, what was His plan?  What was he wanting me to accomplish when he made me the way I am?  Am I accomplishing "that" purpose......whatever that is...  or, is my personality something that He gave me to conquer?  Is it so that I learn to trust Him more, lean on Him more...?  SO many questions bouncing back and fourth in my head. 

Last week I went for a run.  While running I was trying to listen to some upbeat songs to keep the momentum up.  I had Jaci Velasquez playing.  She is one of my favorite Christian artists.  She has been though some tough times in life, and has come out still worshiping and praising God.  One of my favorite songs of hers was on.. "The Real Me".  I relate to that song so much.  People see me, see one thing, but if they knew the real me, would they still like me? 

All I can do is be the best me I can be, with God's help.  All I can do is rely on Him to guide me.  Show me what I am supposed to do.  God's plan is so much bigger than mine.  His plan is perfect, mine is not.  He is the first and the last, I am not.  He is the perfectly balanced ruler over all, and I am His mess that will forever serve him.

A Stirring Inside My Soul

I grew up not going to church on a regular basis.  We did not pray before a meal, or before bed, or pray for those that needed it.  We didn't give to any charity, or volunteer in the community.  By a lot of U.S. standards, we were the charity.  We were a low income family, usually with one working parent and 3 kids.  Times were usually tough, no matter what the economy did and money was always tight.  We never had faith that "God will provide".  I remember asking my parents one time "are we Christians".  I am sure I heard the term somewhere and I remember wanting to be, so when my dad replied "Yes, we all are".  I thought "Cool!"  I was raised by parents that thought believing in God, made you a Christian.  That's it.  It was that easy.  I thought, "Wow, that is all I have to do is just believe and I am in?!?!"

I grew up, met my husband and started going to church regularly, and learned that being a Christian is so much more than that.  I finally felt like I was one.  I went to church 2-3 times a week, paid tithe, sometimes paid a little extra (offering), read my bible and volunteered.  And I thought, "huh, this is pretty easy!"  Then we moved to Springfield and my life changed, for the better!

We started going to an awesome chuch.  A church that I felt (and still feel) are the hands and feet of God.  A church that really does want to help the poor, illiterate and disease stricken.  I also met some friends.  Some of the best friends I will probably ever have.  Some friends that challenge me and my relationship with God. 

In small group we started reading a book called "The Irresistible Revolution".  I have read the first 3 chapters so far, and I feel something stirring in me.  Something I can't explain, but it is making me think and wonder, "Am I really a Christian?"  To be a Christian, I think is to carry on the work that Jesus stated.  If I am being honest, am I really doing that?  I feel caught between two worlds right now.  One, the American world where we all have more than we need, but still want more and the true Christian world, where I give everything I have to help someone in need. I feel like I am in the middle.  It is more "normal" in our society to live out the American Dream.  So, in order to look sane to everyone else, I feel that is what I need to do.  Look at us.  We look like an All American Family, living that dream.. a house, two cars, a fenced in yard, a cat, a dog, a kid, church on Sunday.  But what does God see when he looks at me, and our life?  I am sure he doesn't think "Aw, look at them, living the life I had planned."  I am begining to think he says "When are they going to love my people?" 

So here I sit, wondering where to go from here?  Which life to pursue?  I want to be a real Christian, continuing the legacy of Jesus.  But does that mean giving up some of the luxeries I have grown to love and take for granted? I pray that the God that I love more than anything helps me figure out where I belong.