A Stirring Inside My Soul

I grew up not going to church on a regular basis.  We did not pray before a meal, or before bed, or pray for those that needed it.  We didn't give to any charity, or volunteer in the community.  By a lot of U.S. standards, we were the charity.  We were a low income family, usually with one working parent and 3 kids.  Times were usually tough, no matter what the economy did and money was always tight.  We never had faith that "God will provide".  I remember asking my parents one time "are we Christians".  I am sure I heard the term somewhere and I remember wanting to be, so when my dad replied "Yes, we all are".  I thought "Cool!"  I was raised by parents that thought believing in God, made you a Christian.  That's it.  It was that easy.  I thought, "Wow, that is all I have to do is just believe and I am in?!?!"

I grew up, met my husband and started going to church regularly, and learned that being a Christian is so much more than that.  I finally felt like I was one.  I went to church 2-3 times a week, paid tithe, sometimes paid a little extra (offering), read my bible and volunteered.  And I thought, "huh, this is pretty easy!"  Then we moved to Springfield and my life changed, for the better!

We started going to an awesome chuch.  A church that I felt (and still feel) are the hands and feet of God.  A church that really does want to help the poor, illiterate and disease stricken.  I also met some friends.  Some of the best friends I will probably ever have.  Some friends that challenge me and my relationship with God. 

In small group we started reading a book called "The Irresistible Revolution".  I have read the first 3 chapters so far, and I feel something stirring in me.  Something I can't explain, but it is making me think and wonder, "Am I really a Christian?"  To be a Christian, I think is to carry on the work that Jesus stated.  If I am being honest, am I really doing that?  I feel caught between two worlds right now.  One, the American world where we all have more than we need, but still want more and the true Christian world, where I give everything I have to help someone in need. I feel like I am in the middle.  It is more "normal" in our society to live out the American Dream.  So, in order to look sane to everyone else, I feel that is what I need to do.  Look at us.  We look like an All American Family, living that dream.. a house, two cars, a fenced in yard, a cat, a dog, a kid, church on Sunday.  But what does God see when he looks at me, and our life?  I am sure he doesn't think "Aw, look at them, living the life I had planned."  I am begining to think he says "When are they going to love my people?" 

So here I sit, wondering where to go from here?  Which life to pursue?  I want to be a real Christian, continuing the legacy of Jesus.  But does that mean giving up some of the luxeries I have grown to love and take for granted? I pray that the God that I love more than anything helps me figure out where I belong.