My story begins in May 2002. I was marrying my love and we were looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. We've always had a pretty easy relationship. I mean sure... we have our disagreements....and times we had to work a little harder than others, but when it comes down to it he's the one for me. It was very clear to me when we were dating that he was the one for me... It's almost if God had come down, stood in front of me and said "This is the one I created you for" I was truly that certain. We got married and often talked about starting a family and when we wanted that to happen. I had no desire to become a mom for several years. I just wanted to enjoy being together and growing together. What I did desire was being a great mom, living in a house with a yard, staying at home with my kids and giving them he best life I possibly could.
Right after our 6th wedding anniversary (May 2008) we decided to start a family of our own. It was my dream to have a baby in March or April of 2009. A Spring baby! How perfect! August 2008 came and I started suspecting I was pregnant.. and that's when everything changed. I was so emotional over the fact that I was going to be a mom. I was terrified, regretting the fact that I ever wanted to have a baby. I was a mess in so many ways. And confused. As everyone else was around me. I couldn't comprehend what was going on in my mind, let alone explain it to anyone else. I had no one around me that had been through this. No one around me explaining this was a bad case of pregnancy hormones. In fact I felt totally alone. I felt awful. Who tried to get pregnant then regrets it when they do? I felt like a dark cloud was hanging over me all the time. Not to mention I was exhausted and sick (and I do mean SICK) every second of every day for 4 months. Then... the second trimester came around.. and a switch flipped! THAT should have been my first clue. AT 16 weeks pregnant I fell madly in love with this little person inside me. I often daydreamed about what the baby would be.. who would he or she look like? What would they like to do?
The day our 20 week ultrasound came along we were so excited. We both took the day of work, we found out we were having a healthy baby girl! How exciting! We went out to lunch to celebrate, we went and registered together looking at and drooling over all of this cute pink stuff! In the third trimester we decorated the nursery together and when we were done we stood in the doorway of her room just starring at it. Talking about how cute it looked.. and all the pink.. and how perfect life would be with her in our lives. All the junk from the beginning of my pregnancy melted away. Life was amazing and we were incredibly blessed.
The day I was scheduled to be induced came! We had everything... the bags, the baby book, cute little headbands and bows packed, tiny pink outfits and socks.. I think little Miss Kennedy had more outfits at the hospital than I did! I couldn't wait to hold my baby. Our baby.
I was induced and 5 short hours later (yes, most people hate me) I was holding the most beautiful baby girl I had ever laid eyes on! She was perfect... and plump! Weighing in at 8 pounds, 3 ounces. She was amazing.. and I was in love with not one, but 2 people now! We left the hospital and we were on our way to live a great life! Until a couple days after we got home....
I couldn't connect the dots, or explain it but that dark cloud was back. Following me everywhere. "I'm the worst mother in the world" I would tell myself. How could I not be over the moon happy? I had an amazing husband, (not kidding.. I did not change her diaper once until she was over a week old) he was there, every second.. helping me with every diaper change, every feeding... everything) I did not feel connected to her at all. I regretting having a baby. I hated myself. I thought she would be better off with another family. I never ever thought of hurting her.. but inside I felt as though I wasn't worthy. Friends would come over and while they were holding her I would go the bathroom, sit on the floor and cry my eyes out. Again, I felt exhausted, sick (of myself) emotional.... and like I was a terrible mother.
My memories of my first month as a new mom are memories of guilt... and tears. I cried... a lot! By the time Kennedy was 5 weeks old, the depression had passed and I was in love with this little, smiling, miracle! I cant even talk (or type) about those moments without tearing up. I often tuck her in at night and thank God (out loud so she can hear) how thankful I am for her. I can almost feel God smiling down saying "I know!" He knew exactly what he was doing... she was His plan before she was mine!
I love this little girl more than life itself... and it you know her, you can't help but love her too. She is funny, so smart and beautiful. She is my blonde ray of sunshine. And I am so glad we found each other!
I wanted to tell my story in hopes of someone else needing to read these words. Someone that is going through this or will. If there is someone out there that felt like I did I pray God leads them to these words.. and I pray they contact me so I can pray with them. I wasn't a terrible person... and you aren't either. Depression is real.. and its awful. But with God you will overcome it! Thank you Lord for not leaving me!
... and God said "When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you..."
