I believe in God. I whole heartedly believe that God created everything. He is the First and the Last. The Alpha and Omega. He created the earth, birds, animals and people. I believe that God created us all different and unique. I believe he created us with a vision, a purpose, a plan. And with our different personalities and gifts that we are to complete different tasks on this earth. I have yet to figure out what my task is.
The me that you see is a wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece, aunt, sister in law, cousin and friend. The me that you see is a perfectionist, a home maker, an over-achiever, a sometimes crazy person about things that, to "other people" don't matter as much. I think that when people look at me, they see things that are true about me, and some that are not.
The me that you don't see is much more complicated than the me that you see. I am an over emotional, wreck, if you ask me. I get my "feelings hurt" over the smallest things. I care about my friends and family... a lot. I think about them all the time. I try my best to nurture every relationship I have one way or another. I sometimes feel like I put way more into relationships then I get out. I go crazy if I don't know what "the plan" is, or even crazier if my house is a wreck. (which it usually is, I do have a 17 1/2 month old, after all!) The me that you don't see worries constantly if I hurt someones feelings, or if I am living up to someone else's expectations. The me that you don't see is insecure, second guesses herself. The me you don't see thinks about her day after everyone goes to bed "did I waste time somewhere", "did I talk about Jesus enough with Kennedy", "am I doing everything I can to raise her to love God as her father and I do", "Is my husband happy".
I sometimes wonder when God made me, what was His plan? What was he wanting me to accomplish when he made me the way I am? Am I accomplishing "that" purpose......whatever that is... or, is my personality something that He gave me to conquer? Is it so that I learn to trust Him more, lean on Him more...? SO many questions bouncing back and fourth in my head.
Last week I went for a run. While running I was trying to listen to some upbeat songs to keep the momentum up. I had Jaci Velasquez playing. She is one of my favorite Christian artists. She has been though some tough times in life, and has come out still worshiping and praising God. One of my favorite songs of hers was on.. "The Real Me". I relate to that song so much. People see me, see one thing, but if they knew the real me, would they still like me?
All I can do is be the best me I can be, with God's help. All I can do is rely on Him to guide me. Show me what I am supposed to do. God's plan is so much bigger than mine. His plan is perfect, mine is not. He is the first and the last, I am not. He is the perfectly balanced ruler over all, and I am His mess that will forever serve him.
