The Me You Don't See...

I believe in God.  I whole heartedly believe that God created everything.  He is the First and the Last.  The Alpha and Omega.  He created the earth, birds, animals and people.  I believe that God created us all different and unique.  I believe he created us with a vision, a purpose, a plan.  And with our different personalities and gifts that we are to complete different tasks on this earth.  I have yet to figure out what my task is.

The me that you see is a wife, mother, sister, daughter, niece, aunt, sister in law, cousin and friend.  The me that you see is a perfectionist, a home maker, an over-achiever, a sometimes crazy person about things that, to "other people" don't matter as much.  I think that when people look at me, they see things that are true about me, and some that are not. 

The me that you don't see is much more complicated than the me that you see.  I am an over emotional, wreck, if you ask me.  I get my "feelings hurt" over the smallest things.  I care about my friends and family... a lot.  I think about them all the time.  I try my best to nurture every relationship I have one way or another.  I sometimes feel like I put way more into relationships then I get out.  I go crazy if I don't know what "the plan" is, or even crazier if my house is a wreck. (which it usually is, I do have a 17 1/2 month old, after all!)  The me that you don't see worries constantly if I hurt someones feelings, or if I am living up to someone else's expectations.  The me that you don't see is insecure, second guesses herself.  The me you don't see thinks about her day after everyone goes to bed "did I waste time somewhere", "did I talk about Jesus enough with Kennedy", "am I doing everything I can to raise her to love God as her father and I do", "Is my husband happy". 

I sometimes wonder when God made me, what was His plan?  What was he wanting me to accomplish when he made me the way I am?  Am I accomplishing "that" purpose......whatever that is...  or, is my personality something that He gave me to conquer?  Is it so that I learn to trust Him more, lean on Him more...?  SO many questions bouncing back and fourth in my head. 

Last week I went for a run.  While running I was trying to listen to some upbeat songs to keep the momentum up.  I had Jaci Velasquez playing.  She is one of my favorite Christian artists.  She has been though some tough times in life, and has come out still worshiping and praising God.  One of my favorite songs of hers was on.. "The Real Me".  I relate to that song so much.  People see me, see one thing, but if they knew the real me, would they still like me? 

All I can do is be the best me I can be, with God's help.  All I can do is rely on Him to guide me.  Show me what I am supposed to do.  God's plan is so much bigger than mine.  His plan is perfect, mine is not.  He is the first and the last, I am not.  He is the perfectly balanced ruler over all, and I am His mess that will forever serve him.

A Stirring Inside My Soul

I grew up not going to church on a regular basis.  We did not pray before a meal, or before bed, or pray for those that needed it.  We didn't give to any charity, or volunteer in the community.  By a lot of U.S. standards, we were the charity.  We were a low income family, usually with one working parent and 3 kids.  Times were usually tough, no matter what the economy did and money was always tight.  We never had faith that "God will provide".  I remember asking my parents one time "are we Christians".  I am sure I heard the term somewhere and I remember wanting to be, so when my dad replied "Yes, we all are".  I thought "Cool!"  I was raised by parents that thought believing in God, made you a Christian.  That's it.  It was that easy.  I thought, "Wow, that is all I have to do is just believe and I am in?!?!"

I grew up, met my husband and started going to church regularly, and learned that being a Christian is so much more than that.  I finally felt like I was one.  I went to church 2-3 times a week, paid tithe, sometimes paid a little extra (offering), read my bible and volunteered.  And I thought, "huh, this is pretty easy!"  Then we moved to Springfield and my life changed, for the better!

We started going to an awesome chuch.  A church that I felt (and still feel) are the hands and feet of God.  A church that really does want to help the poor, illiterate and disease stricken.  I also met some friends.  Some of the best friends I will probably ever have.  Some friends that challenge me and my relationship with God. 

In small group we started reading a book called "The Irresistible Revolution".  I have read the first 3 chapters so far, and I feel something stirring in me.  Something I can't explain, but it is making me think and wonder, "Am I really a Christian?"  To be a Christian, I think is to carry on the work that Jesus stated.  If I am being honest, am I really doing that?  I feel caught between two worlds right now.  One, the American world where we all have more than we need, but still want more and the true Christian world, where I give everything I have to help someone in need. I feel like I am in the middle.  It is more "normal" in our society to live out the American Dream.  So, in order to look sane to everyone else, I feel that is what I need to do.  Look at us.  We look like an All American Family, living that dream.. a house, two cars, a fenced in yard, a cat, a dog, a kid, church on Sunday.  But what does God see when he looks at me, and our life?  I am sure he doesn't think "Aw, look at them, living the life I had planned."  I am begining to think he says "When are they going to love my people?" 

So here I sit, wondering where to go from here?  Which life to pursue?  I want to be a real Christian, continuing the legacy of Jesus.  But does that mean giving up some of the luxeries I have grown to love and take for granted? I pray that the God that I love more than anything helps me figure out where I belong.

An Amazing trip, with an Amazing person……

Recently, my husband and I were blessed with the opportunity to take a mini vacation, just the two of us!  It had been quite sometime since we were able to get away alone due to a couple of reasons. First, our last couple of trips we have taken with close friends and seond since the birth of our daughter our lives have changed drastically; to get away was a big deal for us!  We chose to go to South Florida for this trip that we booked 9 months before we were able to go.  I personally love the Gulf.  I grew up there, so aside from the sentimental attachment, the sandy white beaches and calm water beckon me! 

We stayed at the Holiday Inn at Clear Water Beach, Florida.  I know, when you hear Holiday Inn, you don’t usually think resort type stay, but that is exactly what it was!  The hotel was absolutely beautiful!  It is nested in the inlet, so the ocean comes right up to the back of the hotel.  Our balcony room had an amazing view of the restaurant, pool, tiki bar and ocean.  Joe and I were able to spot a couple of dolphins and manatees from our balcony as well.  The hotel had lived music daily, which I loved!  We had a rental car, but really did not use it much.  We really just relaxed everyday at the ocean or pool, and walked to dinner and the pier every night to watch the sunset.  Amazing!  When I experience things as beautiful as I did on this trip like the amazing sunsets and gorgeous blue/green water, I think… how can anyone see this and not think about God?!?!  Makes me wonder how much more beautiful heaven will be.

Going on this trip felt like a second honeymoon.  Life can get so busy and stressful.  Especially when you start a family.  Between me juggling 3 part time jobs, raising Kennedy and my obligations at home and Joe working full time, being the primary bread winner for the family and being in school full time, we definitely needed this trip to reconnect. I was able to spend time away from every day life with the person I fell in love with 10 years ago.  It reminded me what brought us together in the first place.  I will be forever grateful for this trip we had together.  Even though the trip lasted just a few days, the impact will last forever!

I will leave you with a few pictures from our trip... enjoy!

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Why Blog?

Here I am... doing something I never thought I would do, Blogging.  Why the blog then, you might ask?  Well, first of all, I never thought I would blog, simply becuase I did not think anyone really cared that much on what goes on day to day in the Kinard house.  I mean, I am sure our family and friends have some interest, but does anyone really want to read my thoughts and feelings about life, family and love?  Maybe, maybe not- but this isn't really for them, or you.  It is for me.  And I realized this recently.  I have one of many jobs, I am a part time childcare giver to an adorable 11 month old baby girl, I am the Paid Childcare Coordinator for North Point Church, I am the newest Retail Analyst for Outtech Inc., but my main priority is being a Stay at Home Mom to Kennedy Elizabeth Kinard; our 15 month old blue eyed beauty!  Yes, I have many jobs, all of which I am blessed to do at home, hence the Stay at Home Mom part!  Being a Stay at Home Mom is by far the hardest and best job I have ever had.  I love it.  However, a down side to this woderfully tiring job is the lack of communication.  Sure, I talk to Kennedy, but at this age, she doesn't really talk back.  We sing and play all day, but one thing I found that I miss most of all is being able to share my life with my friends I used to call co-workers. So, this is an outlet for me.  A place to get out what I want to say, and maybe spark conversation- maybe not.  It is like a journal- a diary for me, if you will.  One that I will allow you to read!  Don't be afraid, nothing too personal will be shared here, just thoughts about life, love and religion.  Three things that I am passionate about.  So sit back, relax and welcome to our journey.  Welcome to the Kinard Family Blog! 

Stay tuned- more blogs to come!